2nd March 2016 The journey    Letting go…..

Today I formally ended my therapy with Lucinda.

In 2013 I was a mess. I knew I was unhappy because I cried sometimes and didn’t know why. I signed up for a retreat with Lucinda in July and within a couple of hours of being there, my tears began to fall. Still I didn’t know why.

Over that weekend it became clear to me that I was in trouble.

Before I left on the Sunday Lucinda let me know that she offered one to one sessions, and I went away to think about it. Within a fortnight I was sitting across from Lucinda  and this was the start of my journey.

She explained that she used  some of the The Reach Approach work which I’d never heard of, and the first part of the therapy was using the N of the N.O.S.E approach. The N was naming my stuff. At the outset it seemed a pretty easy thing to do…well, today I feel sad, today I feel angry, etc. I thought I had that one worked out really quick. How wrong I was.

Naming is the hardest step as I had to really start connecting with what was at the core of me. I am a person who intellectualises feelings a lot so I thought I was doing just great when I was explaining to Lucinda what the thoughts about my feelings were. It’s taken a few years for me to really “get” this Naming but now that I have, I can say that it’s liberating. I think I’ve gone a few steps further with the Owning and Surrendering.

Over the past couple of years, I have grown. With Lucinda’s guidance, challenges and loving care, I have transformed my emotional world.

I was a liar.

I kept secrets, my own and others. That’s how I encouraged more intimacy with my friends; colluding with them by keeping their secrets. The lines in my relationships were blurred. As a consequence I hadn’t managed to have a relationship with a romantic partner for more than a few years. I think I was perpetually operating as my 15 year old self.

I lacked ambition and although a hard worker and intelligent, I put myself and my abilities down as if my efforts were not worthwhile.

I had a set of beliefs about family which were not true. I was trying to idealise my family and was constantly disappointed in them.

I didn’t  think I was good enough for anyone to love me. I had issues with commitment.

And these were just some of the problems I was dealing with.

 

Today, I don’t lie. I don’t invite people to share their intimate secrets with me. I am more detached and care a lot for my family and friends. I look after myself first.

I am trying to live a more congruent life; what I think is what I say, and what I say is what I do. It’s still a work in progress and I didn’t realise what impact this new way of thinking had on me until I was faced with the dishonesty of a partner. Lying was no longer acceptable to me and I was able to walk away.

And then there’s forgiveness and gratitude. These two are powerful actions, thoughts, words, and decisions. I truly feel these every day, especially gratitude which is now part of my daily practice.

Lucinda has taught me how to tune in to my body and its messages. I have learnt to connect with my inner self, you know the bit that makes your tummy feel terrible when you are anxious. I have learned to touch that part of me, and love it, love me. Lucinda has taught me how to have compassion for me. And to self care. Now I hear my body. It is the most eloquent communicator.

Lucinda is a spiritual woman. She has allowed me to express myself, and we have considered spiritual thoughts and ideas together. She has been very encouraging. As a result, my spiritual practice has increased and has had a very positive influence in my daily life.

I’m leaving the best until last but I was finally able to admit and accept that I am a lesbian. Wow…that’s how far I’ve come…I’m writing it down and telling you that that is what I am. My body finally told me with what felt like a bolt of thunder through me that I couldn’t ignore.

On this journey, I have discovered that all answers have been locked in me. And Lucinda has been the golden key to open the door. I had a little courage to approach my door, and since then Lucinda has walked with me every step of the way.

And for you, Lucinda…

Today in writing this account, I now realise how extraordinarily lucky I have been having such a

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