Living In The Middle

Living with Ambivalence, I am learning to live in the middle. A place which is very uncomfortable at the moment. The swinging from acceptance to non acceptance. From peace to resistance and all that lies in between.

I used to believe there was a magical way to  pop out of negativity into the light of constant positivity where I just wafted about on a cloud of fluffiness and smiled all the time. I think I was confusing the path of truth with the film The Stepford Wives……or the matrix before one popped the blue pill!

However I am beginning to get a sense of where teachers like Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle and Easton Hamilton have been. I feel their genuine grounded wisdom and clarity has been extremely hard won. When they speak it all seems so simple. This is the first thing to get….its easy to talk about …its not easy to DO. Now some might say thats a negative belief. The NLP people will all be hopping about wagging their fingers about…BUT.

I dont know anyone who I deeply respect who has not been through the fire… …burned to ashes and re -born. One of my friends said to me this morning  the depth of your struggle is related to the depth of your yearning to live in truth. Well sometimes I yearn to spit that bloody blue pill out and meld back into The Matrix.  Anthony De Mello says often…the first awaremess to have is that awareness is NOT COMFORTABLE. Love that man !

That said….there are moments …just moments when I surrender just for a bit and the world tilts a little and suddenly everything slips into technicolour and my body seems to fizz with energy and Im smiling in my heart  and in each cell and I want  NOTHING because I just feel subsumed in love. Of course I can’t sustain it but I sense it is the beginning of a peace …..which might be sustainable one day.

These words cant really paint what I want to paint, but I hope you get an inkling. So some tips for the uncomfortable people out there from my own learnings along the highway… which you can take or throw in the bin. When in chaos / fear/ terror/ I use the mantra, it does not come to harm me but to free me. I say it over and over and over and over. Its calming!

I affirm God/ Love is at my back, God is at  my side and God is  in front of me. How can I fail. Then I up my self-care regime as much as possible. Good food, sleep, long baths, lots of hugs, people who affirm me. I try to show my whole self I do care about me. I drink as much water as I can. (sometimes im really rubbish at this) I slow down this is tough for a natural HARE.
THEN I forgive myself when I can’t do any of the above,  but eat rubbish and watch chick flicks……but I do get back on the horse again despite setbacks.

I call my teachers and say HELP I call on the divine and demand HELP. So if you are in the well and going down,  these tips might offer some comfort as you confront the darkness. You are not alone. There are more and more of us up for this challenge and together we will begin the great healing. I applaud your courage and your truth. Don’t give up. The light will outshine the darkness. In Love Lucinda recommended reading free PDF Living with ambivalence and all the other stuff on this site! Start Where You Are. Pema Chodron Soul Power Nikki De Carteret.


  • Vicky Rainbow Posted 11/12/2017 5:20 pm

    Thank Lucinda….youve always been inspiring to me in so many ways…actually, i was just searching for LIVING WITH AMBIVALENCE (after reading the Reach Website) and found your blog!….its nice to hear after a really rocky last few days where i felt i was loosing it all, im now slowly but during travelling back on the road of loving and accepting myself again…it feels like the light is slowly starting to shine in my heart….thanks for sharing…its good to remember and know we are not alone in our struggles, so many of us are struggling, probably in more ways than i will ever know…x love and blessings vicky xxxx

    • Lucinda Drayton Posted 12/12/2017 3:48 pm

      Hi Vicky
      thank you for your heartfelt note. Im sorry you have been through a rocky time…but yes on the road we can reach for tools that help steady us until we are once again ready to continue…lving with ambivalence is a powerful tool….knowing where I want to be but accepting where I am for now…finding peace there. Its a mastery tool. Wishing you peace on the storm and that the storm passes quickly leaving you stronger. With love Lucinda

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